Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use
their stupidity for personal gain (e.g., [a currently undisclosed sum of
money] to some old broad stupid enough to put hot coffee in her lap while
riding in a car). From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to
achieve new levels of stupidity while *simultaneously* breaking the law.
Upon these brave men and women we bestow the highest possible honor: Entry
into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

The following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine
by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With
the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached
to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
bumper.

[Editor's Note: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos." ]

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard
cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all
the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled --
leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the
customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap"
is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which
he does -- backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the
golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided
that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So
she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel
when you need one?) and transported it back to her house -- whereupon she
realized that the camel's name was ... "Otto."

[Editor's Note: She might not have gotten any milk from Otto, but she
probably made a friend for life while trying.... ;-) ]

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
check -- a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a
robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head -- and realized
that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole -- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere
in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.
The police, however, *did*.)

North Carolina*: A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He
then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2)
he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and
(3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911"
for help ...

(* Thanks is due Gary G. in N.C. for providing the location of this Stupid
Crime.)

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator
from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly
got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator
was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the
refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to
realize that they locked the keys in the truck -- so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store
similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man
took the cash from the clerk and fled -- leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

----------[HUMOURNET]----------

Florida: Dr. John Rende, a 38-year-old Florida dentist, agreed to allow two
brothers to cut off a finger with an axe and claim it was an accident. He
collected a $1.3 million lump-sum settlement from one brother's homeowners
policy, and filed under his own disability policy as well. Rende used some
of the money to buy a yacht, which he named "Minus One." He and his
brothers pleaded guilty and are currently in jail.... (Excerpted from Erie
Insurance Group's "In Sync" magazine.)

Hagerstown, MD: Jeff M. was caught driving while intoxicated, and was
promptly arrested by Maryland's finest so he could have some private time
to sober up a little. As he was leaving the police station, however, Jeff
decided to "thank" the arresting officer for services rendered by dropping
his trousers -- while facing the officer -- and making a gesture which
would probably be understood by, say, Divine Brown. :-) Jeffy was promptly
arrested *again*, and charged with indecent exposure.

----------[HUMOURNET]----------

(The following are all excerpted from "USA Today," Tuesday, 9 Apr 96; the
"USA Today" article was, itself, excerpted from the book, "Dumb, Dumber,
Dumbest," by John J. Kohut and Roland Sweet. (Penguin Books))

Vernon, British Columbia: Raymond Cuthbert dropped by a drugstore to say
that he and his accomplice would be back in 30 minutes to rob the place. On
time for their appointment, they were arrested by the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.

Sao Paulo, Brazil: Psychiatrist Oscar Dominguez was listening to a patient
talk about her sex life when he pulled out a gun and shot her to death. As
he explained to the court, "I just couldn't take those nut cases anymore."

[Editor's Note: I assume it's now *his* turn on the couch.... ]

Rouen, France: Moments after robbing a bank, Jules Duprer jumped into a
car, shouting, "Get away quick, before the cops come." He failed to notice
that the car he was counting on to spirit him to safety was a *police* car.

[Editor's Note: These last two aren't criminals, per se, but have
nonetheless attained such impressive heights of stupidity that they warrant
inclusion here. ]

(Location Unknown): A gentleman awoke one cold morning and found that his
car would not start; the problem was a frozen fuel line. No problem for Mr.
Brilliant -- one need only warm up the gas, right? So he siphoned off the
fuel, put it into a pot, took it into the kitchen and heated it up on the
stove....

Washington, D.C.: In 1994, local businesses paid their quarterly tax
payments using pre-printed address labels provided by the city. The
unopened payments were returned to the senders, with the notation "Box
closed for non-payment of rent." The city had failed to pay the $405 annual
fee.